you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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