Your face is a jimmy john
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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