i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Couch. On fire.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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