I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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