Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
