So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
