I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
