I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
