I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
