I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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