You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
