I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
