so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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