So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
