So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
