Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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