I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
