she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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