My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
