Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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