Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
