Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he thought i was a dude.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Of course I have a pirate flag
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
