I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You're like the curious george of whores
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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