The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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