you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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