all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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