You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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