just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
