I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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