my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
