one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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