cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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