Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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