just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
