that's an acceptable place to lick
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Green mimosas i think yes
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
