I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
