I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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