I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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