this beer tastes like vomit already
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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