dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
