my vag is so smooth its legendary
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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