There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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