You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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