Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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