im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
