the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
