Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
