what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
