the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
