So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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